2010 - The Bi-polar Year

I should probably win some sort of "Least Attentive Blogger EVAH" award.  The sad truth though, is that I have simply not had much of anything nice to say this year.  And, what did your momma tell you?  "If you ain't got nothin' nice to say..."  So, yeah, that's pretty much where I've been.

This has been a year of hell for my family and I.  I would say we've been "to hell and back" but... well... I'm not 100% sure I've made it "back" yet, though I'm at least headed in the right direction.

Let's re-cap the 2010 year, shall we?

*My son's 5th grade teacher decided to take a new job before the end of the first marking period.  For a variety of reasons this was devastating to EVERYONE.  To top it off, her long-term sub. was downright unqualified and in way over her head.  She decided to take it out on the kids most days.  Complaints from nearly HALF of the parents in the class went completely ignored. 

*If that wasn't enough, his secondary 5th grade teacher (who taught science and social studies) became incredibly ill mid-year, nearly died and did not return.  Her long-term sub. was very sweet but not at all equipped to handle this particular set of classes.  She would have been a great 2nd grade teacher.

*There was even a case of student/student sexual assault in the classroom.

*In Feb. my nephew was born to two incredibly immature, unqualified and DIRT POOR parents.  He ended up staying with us A LOT in the beginning.  I love that boy to bits and pieces but, there is a reason why I have chosen to forgo having more children.  Navigating the situation with his birth parents (my brother and his now ex-girlfriend), MY parents (who are not a part of my brother's life and thus did not even KNOW about said child) AND dealing with a newborn was quite exhausting.  He has since returned home with his birth parents but the situation is precarious at best.

*In the spring my husband went through a colon cancer scare.  Considering the fact that EVERY SINGLE MALE in his family (save his father who is currently still alive) has died of colon cancer, this was a pretty big deal.

*My son's karate teacher was killed in one of the most horrific car accidents I have ever heard of.

*Within the span of one week my son got a concussion at youth group, was hit in the face with a baseball while pitching during a Little League game and was smacked in the face (hard enough to leave a nice goose egg) with a baseball bat.  There was a very short-lived "brain bleed" scare thrown in there for good measure.  Thank God, everything was fine.  We also thank God for insurance because that was one really expensive week.   

*Over Easter break an old friend of mine lost control of his motorcycle and drove off of a bridge to his death.

*In April my soul-cat, Riley, had to be put to sleep completely and totally unexpectedly.  I won't rehash the whole event but basically, he was 5 yrs. old and had a congenital heart disease that even the vet. never caught.  He woke up partially paralyzed and in a great deal of pain on April 28th.  There was literally not one single thing they could do for him and so I made the most heart-wrenching decision I've ever had to make.  I sat there and held my baby as the vet pushed in the poison that put him to sleep forever.  

*The day before my son's 5th grade graduation a girl from his class was struck and killed 3 doors down from our neighborhood.  We heard the mayhem and my husband just happend to drive by seconds after it happened.

*Within the first few weeks of summer the 13-yr. old brother of one of my son's friends (and a former karate friend) was killed in a 4-wheeler accident while on vacation with his grandparents in Maine. 

*I went through a 3-week period of SEVERE insomnia brought on by my overwhelming phobia of driving and the process I was taking to overcome said phobia. 

*In July my cousin, mother of two young girls, died of an overdose of cocaine and pain meds.  And, what's worse, there is a strong possibilitiy that she did it on purpose.

*Then my grandmother died.

*One of our very close friends dropped the bomb that they are getting divorced.

*And our 16 yr. old cat, Rachel, died.

*And a friend of DH's died.

*And my friend's mother died. 

*And those last 3 were just in the last two weeks. 

*And that does even not include the other slightly more personal things that I would rather not post here.

While the majority of this last year was dark and dreary and full of pain, there are still bright spots.  There is always hope.  The sun always rises in the morning.

*Our new back deck and outside renovations were finally completed.

*My in-laws took our family to Disney World in Florida for a week in August.  It was not stress or drama-free and it was not "the perfect getaway" but it was nice, free and, blessedly, the lines were all pretty manageable.   

*My son started the PERFECT middle school for him.

*He made Second Honors (all A's and 1 B) his first marking period and was elected Treasurer of the whole school.

*He also passed his (8-hr.) exam in Tang Soo Do and received his Black Belt a few weeks ago.

*After a looooooooong phobia of driving, I finally overcame my fear and got my driver's license. 

*And with that license I am now the proud mama to one Orange 2010 Honda Fit.

*I got a part-time job where I work approximately 1 - 2 hrs. per week for a very small amount of pay but the big draw is that I get free access to as many Jazzercise classes as I can possibly fit into my week.

*I got a job working in the same Special Ed. classroom that I have been volunteering in for the last two years.  It is nice to finally be paid to do what I've been doing for free all this time.  It can be a bit stressful at times but I have to say that I absolutely LOVE my job.

*We brought home a slightly older kitten (about 5 months) who was not. at. all what we were "looking for" but when we met her we knew that she was absolutely 100% meant to be a part of our family.  It felt very much like what I imagine adoptive parents feel when they see THEIR child for the very first time.  You just know.

*I created a beautiful Pollinator Garden by our new back deck in remembrance of my boy, Riley.  He was a cat so, of course, he was always fascinated with birds, bees, butterflies -- pretty much anything that flies.  A Pollinator Garden just seemed so appropriate.  While Riley was privately cremated and I wear a beautifully inscribed locket of his ashes around my neck, Rachel was buried in Riley's Remembrance Garden

And so, as the 2010 year draws to a close I begin thinking about what next year might bring.  If I'm being totally honest I will say that my first and most fervent hope is that 2010 truly WILL end at the stroke of midnight on Friday.  My heart can't hold anything else this year.  Beyond that though, I'm beginning to peek out from behind this dark curtain and venture a glimmer of hope at what 2011 could hold... what I WANT it to hold.  If 2010 and all its pain could produce a handful of such beautiful diamonds, I can't begin to imagine the possibilities for next year.  But that is fodder for another post...

Social Justice Challenge - April

Social Justice Challenge - March Wrap Up

Social Justice Challenge - February Wrap Up

February's Social Justice theme was Water.  Like last month, I chose to participate at the Activist Level.  As such I read the book Blue Covenant and watched two documentaries - Blue Gold and Water: The Great Mystery.  For my action item I chose to donate $28 - $1 each day for the month of February - to The African Well Fund through Africare.  In addition, I have signed up for the online petition from The World's Longest Toilet Queue as well as friending them on Facebook. 

Social Justice Challenge - MARCH

• What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of domestic violence and child abuse?
  It happens everywhere.  In the house next door where the children seem perfectly well behaved and the wife is loving and doting, there is abuse.  In the youth pastor's house.  In the classrooms at school.  At the grandparent's house over the weekend.  Domestic violence and child abuse happen EVERYWHERE.  Chances are you know someone who is or has been abused in some way over the course of their life. 
  
  
• What does domestic violence and child abuse mean to you personally?  What is your current knowledge of domestic violence and child abuse? 
  As a child I was sexually abused by two relatives; a grandfather and an older cousin.  It took me many years to speak up and tell someone.  Once I did though, others in my family stood up to be counted as well.  It was quite shocking to see the sheer number of people that these two men had violated when all along I felt so alone in my abuse.
  
  For a short while I was also emotionally and verbally abused by my father and physically abused by my first step-mother and an older female cousin.
  
  Abuse is a difficult cycle to break.  For me, I knew that I could never EVER in a million years commit an act of sexual abuse.  The very thought repulses and disgusts me.  I, however, feel marked by this part of my childhood.  There are times when I wonder silently to myself, if I hug, kiss, talk to or take any interest whatsoever in this child will someone look at me with a sideways glance.  Will they be thinking in the back of their mind, "she was once sexually abused and now she is hugging that kid right there, could she be a sexual abuser now?"  I feel like I'm always on guard, conscious of the way I interact with other people's children so as not to even remotely create any sort of appearance of evil.  Life shouldn't be like that though.  Mothers should be able to give freely of their affection both to their own children but to those of their friends and relatives.  Instead, however, I am on guard.  Always on guard.
  
  
  
  It is, however, the abuse that doesn't leave physical marks that can be the hardest to contend with. 
  
  
• Are you aware of the resources available for men, women and children who find themselves in domestic violence and child abuse situations?
  I know there are shelters and churches, however, I'm not aware of their location in my community. 
  
  
• Have you chosen a book or resource to read for this month?
  So far, for this challenge I have read Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls and If I Am Missing or Dead by Janine Latus.  I've also watched the movies Mockingbird Don't Sing, Very Young Girls, Dear Zachary, Following Sean, The Girl Next Door, Black and Blue and The Stoning of Soraya M.  There are a couple of other movies that I would like to watch as well including Deliver Us From Evil and Not Without My Daughter. 
  
  
• Take some time and think about what potential action steps you could take.  (I’ll have a post dedicated to this shortly).
  For my action item I have chosen to start mentoring a 3rd grade girl at my son's school who was sexually abused when she was younger.  The mentoring program is through Creative Mentoring.  Basically, you simply offer your time to this child once a week for a predetermined amount of time during the school day.  You can read, play games, do arts and crafts or whatever the child wants to do.  I have done it once before with an anti-social child and the results were absolutely terrible.  I have, however, already started mentoring this little girl and we clicked right from the start.   
  
  I also volunteer two days a week in the Special Ed. classroom at the same school.  There are two children that I work with who are currently or have been in the past involved in some sort of abuse be it sexual, physical or just simply neglect.  It is interesting to see the difference in the two children; while one is incredibly violent the other is fairly passive and seems to have given up.